Do Smartphones Harm Your Relationship?
Smartphones make us feel connected to the world. You’re able to talk to anyone and work from anywhere around the world, buy anything you want and get it delivered in two days or less, order food delivered to your house in less than an hour.
But they also make us feel more disconnected than ever.
Think of how many times you’re out for coffee with a friend, or at dinner with your partner and someone keeps checking their phone throughout the meeting. Or maybe you’re the one who does that to others.
This is called phubbing, based on “phone snubbing” - ignoring someone who’s right in front of you to put your attention on someone/something else on your phone.
We are trying to stay connected, but to the detriment of our own friendships and relationships.
It’s proven that face to face interactions make us feel better, yet we can’t seem to hold eye contact with those around us.
Together but alone
You know what every engagement photo has in common?
No smartphones.
That’s right even though our hands are always glued to our phones, we get rid of them for important moments. You have to be fully with the other person to get the perfect shot of blissful happiness.
Then we get the photos and share them online and get messages and comment back to the messages - all the while ignoring our partner.
Do you ever scroll on your phone before bed? Maybe you see something funny and show your partner, then they show you something funny and then you go to sleep. How does that feel? Do you feel connected? Is there a way you could feel more connected?
Even being silent with your partner creates more connection than you think.
I once saw a couple sit down for dinner at a restaurant and immediately both people got their phones and the person whose back was to me started playing solitaire. Isn’t that a game you play by yourself? It’s in the name of the game!
They looked happy enough, but if you make the effort to go out to dinner with someone just to spend time on your phone playing a game you normally play by yourself, are you getting much out of this relationship? What’s going on here?
Dopamine
Smartphones give us a hit of dopamine when we check them. You don’t know what you’ll get - a message, points on a game, a check-in reminder, breaking news articles, etc.
Whatever it is, the newness and excitement of not knowing what you’ll get is irresistible to us. Certain social media app and other app designers have admitted that they modeled these apps after slot machines, to stoke that need to keep on checking, keep on pulling that lever/pushing the button.
So that hit of dopamine can make us feel good in the moment, but it causes a come down where you can feel even more depressed than when you reached for your phone in the first place. So then you keep reaching for you phone and the cycle continues.
In other words, we’re addicted and so our relationships are suffering.
Oblivious addiction
The thing is most people are not aware they’re doing it, but we are happier when we don’t use our phones as much, especially not using our phones in the bedroom.
I used to date a guy who was always on his smartphone: when we had conversations, when we watched tv, first thing in the morning, and right before bed. He claimed he could multi-task and concentrate to everything, and he was pretty good at it, but it was a fast way of living. He always knew about breaking news first, always scoring points on his games, always scrolling Twitter. I didn’t care about any of these things, they seemed mundane. I didn’t want to talk about how many points he scored or what was happening on Twitter. Couldn’t he see that was all fake?
We think the digital world rules our lives, but our physical real lives are the ones we actually experience. How much better is it to travel or swim in a lake or eat new foods rather than play solitaire while around people? Is that actually fun?
I think my own experience is what matters, not my experience online.
So slow down and take a look around. Are you where you want to be? If you’re not, then make a change - and you won’t find the change on your smartphone.
Ways to help strengthen your relationship:
Bring awareness to the situation. Notice when you’re spending time on your phone when you want to be spending time with people around you.
Talk about it with your partner. See if they notice how much they use their phone and allow them to bring awareness to their phone use as well.
Establish no phone areas in the home. Some good ideas are in the bedroom and at the kitchen table to make sure you can connect on a deeper level at meals.
Establish no phone times of day. First thing in the morning and before bed are good times to not use your phone, to check in for the day and reconnect at night.
Be the change. Use your phone less and be the example for others to follow.